Author: John Moorehouse

Freelance writer and editor based out of Kingsport, TN.

Review the Kraken: The Kraken Classic

Review the Kraken: The Kraken Classic

Pro wrestling is more accessible than ever. Between streaming services, in-house online broadcasts, and good old-fashioned TV deals (a few still exist), fans have more ways to watch more wrestling from around the world than at any point. 

Imagine telling the you from two decades ago – even the you from 10 years ago – “some day there will be so much wrestling available to watch that you will never be able to keep up with it all.” And yet, today, WWE puts out six hours of content per week – and that doesn’t count the feeder shows like Main Event and Level Up. AEW cranks out five hours of TV wrestling each week — and that does not include the weekly Ring of Honor episodes. If there is a pay-per-view / premium live event that week, tack on another three hours. Full shows are available from a host of international promotions, especially in Japan, but those are usually three hours or more, requiring a real investment of time if you intend to watch the whole thing. 

And so, the approach that Kraken Pro Wrestling has chosen feels fresh in its convenience. This neophyte promotion located in southern Georgia breaks down its live events into snack-sized installments of TV for its YouTube channel. Each episode lasts 30 minutes, at most. A couple of episodes clock in closer to the 10-minute mark. 

But, with so many wrestling promotions out there, is Kraken worth watching? I think it is. And hence, welcome to my efforts to Review The Kraken! We kick off this endeavor by looking at the first eight episodes of TV, where the first Kraken champion was crowned in an eight-man tournament called the Kraken Classic. 

These shows happened back over the summer and so given that fact, I won’t attempt to bore you with a match-by-match or segment-by-segment breakdown. Instead, I wanted to take a look at some of the standout wrestlers on these early Kraken shows. They all have one commonality – each left me wanting to see more of them, whether it be here or elsewhere.

Big Business – This three-man faction comprises the top heel act in Kraken. The manager, Justin Kayse, actually came out of the tournament holding the title, as Jay 2 Strong won the Kraken Classic only to see Kayse declare himself as the champion. Jay was incredibly solid in his three tournament matches and the final against Michael Walker is the best match of the tournament. Lamar Diggs is the enforcer of the group and has the physical presence and requisite menace to fill that role. You could plug him right into the middle of the Mid-South territory in its heyday and he would fit right in with those sluggers. I like the concept of a heel manager holding the title everyone is chasing but, through these first eight episodes, I found Kayse somewhat lacking both as a talker and during interference spots sometimes self-sabotaged by poor timing. We will see how Kayse rises to the occasion in future installments.

Michael Walker – Probably the purest babyface on the roster through these first eight episodes. He acquitted himself well in all three tournament matches, all against opponents of different styles, including both wrestlers in Big Business. His match with Diggs was a fine example of one of my favorite tropes, pitting a smaller, speedy wrestler against a powerhouse. Even with the loss in the finals, Walker emerged from the Classic portrayed as a fine never-say-die underdog who you wanted to root for.

Trever Aeon – I have seen Aeon in person a couple of times and followed his work online in recent years. He is one of the more underrated wrestlers on the Southeast scene to me and stands out through his look, his versatility, and the explosion he demonstrates in some of his offense. 

Trey Shaw – I knew nothing about Shaw before his first-round match in the Classic (found in episode 4 of Kraken), but immediately was impressed. Again, these are short episodes, but in the span of about 15 minutes, he stood out with his combination of look, size, promo ability, and snug offense. 

All Star Special – Will Huckaby and Hold My Beer Hanson are one of the more popular teams in Georgia and probably the merch champions of the independent scene in that state. Hanson is also the promoter of Kraken, something that is readily acknowledged on commentary. While this is hard to deny when Hanson is doing local TV spots to promote Kraken using his real name, I emerged from these eight episodes unsure if this was a little too much “behind the curtain” for me. A tip of the cap to Hanson and Huckaby (who is the booker) and not following in the footsteps of so many of their predecessors and making themselves the focal point of the shows.

Kevin Kantrell – Kantrell is not part of the Kraken Classic but he stands out with a rugged, intense style. In his one match in the first eight episodes, he carries a green opponent to a solid effort and then, after the result does not go his way, beats down the referee like the official handed him a light envelope at the end of the night. I came away wanting to see more of him, for sure.

Kody Madden – Having done wrestling commentary in the past, I know how difficult the job is. Kody is the lead broadcaster for Kraken and does a good job with the juggling act of calling the action, telling a greater story, and directing traffic in a three-man booth – although the other two members of that booth are both heels and have similar-sounding voices.

One of the most common, widespread — and often deserved — criticisms of professional wrestling as we sit almost halfway through the 2020s is the sameness of it all. Matches up and down the card, regardless of whether the promotion is located on the globe, see everyone working a similar style. Hanson and Huckaby have done a solid job assembling a roster of different characters with different styles. I will keep watching through their archive of episodes and came away from these first eight shows wanting to see what happens next, and really, isn’t that the first goal for any wrestling promotion?

“Job Hunt”

“Job Hunt”

Author’s note: I wrote this as part of my Flash Fiction Challenge.

*Recording submitted for evidence at Criminal Court, Case 21 3425-32448128*

“Another round, gents? On me…”

“Hey, thanks.”

“Yer all right, fella! What’d ya say yer name was?”

“Dex.”

“Marty, this is the guy I told you about.”

“Yeah, I heard this was a good spot for guys like us to find work.”

“Sure. As long as ya don’t mind the risk’a gettin’ beat into a coma… or breakin’ a few limbs. That reminds me, Pete, how’s the ole jaw?”

“Hrrts!”

“Cheers, gents… Ahh, that hits the spot.”

“So, where are you thinkin’ about looking? Cause it’s very important to make the right choice.”

“Wait… but they hire us…”

“I mean, technically, yes. But given the current sociopolitical climate, there tends to be a perpetual dearth of available labor.”

“Don’t mind Leonard. Mister college graduate over here… thinks he’s smarter than everybody. But he’s right. Lots of bosses and wannabe bosses in this town… and they all need help.”

“Dat’s why ya nevah wanna sign a long-term contract.”

“Oh… Wow… I never knew. So, where do you guys work?”

“Much like yourself, I currently find myself between employers.”

“I’ve been with Dr. Destruction for the past few months…”

“He still make everybody wear those get-ups?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, most of the bosses have uniforms… Even the mafioso, before they all got killed or locked up, wanted you to wear coat and tie. What’s the difference?”

“Maybe cause the Doctah wants ya to wear a one-piece skintight silver bodysuit. Talk about ridin’ up in da crotch!”

“Fair point, Martin… and let’s not forget the risk of chafing during hot weather!”

“Look, the dress code’s not the best, but he’s also like the only villain in town who offers decent, affordable health insurance.”

“Wait… you guys get insurance?”

“Oh, you’re gonna want insurance, pal!”

“But make sure they also offer dental. Quite important, eh, Peter?”

“Fckr!”

“Yeah, thanks to You Know Who, if the bosses didn’t offer health insurance, nobody would stick around. And there’s lots of doctors in this town with decent copays who don’t ask questions.”

“Of course even with the health coverage, you do not have to worry about paying taxes.”

“Unless ya work fer The Accountant.”

“Oh yeah, avoid him.”

“OK… any other advice?”

“Mr. Tuxedo acts like he’s rich an’ well-to-do but bet yer ass you’ll be payin’ yer own dry-cleanin’!”

“Chef Pierre is a cannibal, so bring your own lunch each day.”

“I suggest avoiding El Chupacabra unless you want to find strange hairs all over your person every night.”

“And what about… You Know Who?”

“Haw haw. Part o’ the cost o doin’ business in this town, I’m afraid. That’s why the pay’s so good. Just watch your jaw.”

“And your nether region. A frequent target, to my experience.”

“Mrrrk!”

“We’re little fish to him and everybody knows it. You take a few lumps, do a little time, then get back at it.”

“Mrrrk!”

“Hang on, Pete, I’ll get you… another smoothie over here?”

“He never comes and hassles you guys, you know, off the clock? You know, for information?”

“Mrrrk!”

“I said, hang on… it’s never really come up.”

“Why so curious?”

“Because, well, I think he’s outside.”

“OH GOD LOOK! THE WINDOW! HE’S HERE!”

“HLLLLLP!”

*End of recording*

“The Last of His Kind”

“The Last of His Kind”

Author’s note: I wrote this as part of my Flash Fiction Challenge.

He woke up and wondered where the sky had gone.

A pale light shone down upon him, brighter than even a full moon at midnight. He looked up and saw row after row of these lights, gleaming down… so strong they hurt his eyes. Strange music, playing from somewhere… up above?

What was he lying on? Not grass and earth… it was hard. Flat. Smooth. And strangely cool. He shivered uncontrollably in his linen waistcoat, which already had been damp with sweat from the heat of the summer night—that, the rush of the fight and the burning fires… that he had helped set.

He looked to his left and right, and found himself flanked by tall objects—taller than a man. Immediately, he leaned onto his elbows and started to move back, his scuffed boots sliding against the smooth surface. Were they towers? Siege machines? No. He squinted. They looked to be larders, though each of them was enormous—so tall and wide, and filled with boxes in garish colors with strange lettering upon them. What was that? Eggo? Some sort of savage dialect!

Each larder had a clear door… glass? Unsure, he reached out with a trembling hand and placed his palm against it. He repressed a yelp in surprise as his flesh made contact. It was cold! He whimpered. What witchcraft was this?

Witchcraft…

Witchcraft…

He started to remember.

He came to the colonies like most others—looking for a fresh start. He hadn’t been much for logging or construction. He couldn’t fish, couldn’t shoe a horse, couldn’t fix things with tools. The thing he was best at, the only thing he was good at, if he was honest, was killing. First, he hunted for the settlement. Then one day a man came to town, driving a wagon carrying a rough-looking bunch. The man was hiring help to clear out the wilderness, for 10 pounds a week. 10 British pounds.

And so he left and went to work, and learned clearing wilderness had a lot less to do with cutting down trees and a lot more to do with killing any savages they found. The last thing he remembered, they were in another village… he had no idea how many there’d been by now… they’d done like before, storming in at midnight and killing everything that moved. Men, women, children… it didn’t matter. Every scalp paid.

Near the end, as always, he and his mates started taking torches to huts. But this time, in the firelight, this old crone had stepped out of one of the huts, naked as her born day, her body twisted and gnarled like an old sickly tree. The way he figured, she was the last in the village left alive.

He leveled his flintlock in her direction, and she pointed a finger back at him.

He could remember even her words.

“Now you will know what it means to be the last!” the crone said.

And now he woke up…

Where was he?

He looked left and right and saw long rows of these huge larders. A voice boomed out of the air all around him. God? The Devil? It came from the air, and the man who killed and scalped with no remorse squealed and wet himself.

“ATTENTION FOOD-MART SHOPPERS, DON’T FORGET OUR THANKSGIVING SPECIAL… 10% OFF TURKEY BREASTS AND 20% OFF WHOLE BIRDS. THAT’S 10% OFF BREASTS AND 20% OFF WHOLE BIRDS, ONLY AT FOOD-MART!”

He covered his ears and began to scream, the last shreds of his sanity slipping away.

“Hey, What Happened To Your Eye?”

“Hey, What Happened To Your Eye?”

Author’s note: I wrote this as part of my Flash Fiction Challenge.

“We was all in the tavern, you see—oye, don’t gimme that look, you know I come here whenever I can! Anyway, ‘twas the usual collection of sellswords, cutpurses, scoundrels, thugs, an’ assassins… until the door swung open an’ in stepped this catfolk. He was wearin’ some bright yellow suit that was tight to the skin. All the chatter in the place stopped—not like catfolk is common ‘round these parts. Then the cat speaks… an’ he says,

“ ‘Scuse me, dahlins, I’m lookin’ for the Crimson Hand.’

“You and me both know the Crimson Hand’s rep and nobody goes lookin’ for those folks unless they’s either crazy or crazy tough. But that didn’t stop ol’ Steecs.

“You remember Steecs, yeah? Just goblins being goblins, ya know? Well, Steecs jumps on the bar an’ pipes up with,

“ ‘Hey kitty kitty, if ya want milk, head for the barn!’ And the whole place busts up laughin’, but that’s how it all started.

“The cat moved so fast, like a yellow blur. He grabs a pint glass offa the table closest an’ wings it at Steecs, catchin’ him right between the eyes, an’ ol’ Steecs keels over. That had some of the heavies who run with Steecs reachin’ for their guns. I’ll be damned if the catfolk whips out this massive revolver. It gleamed in the light, like it was made o’ pure silver.

“He was the fastest draw I ever seen. One second he’s empty handed, the next the shooter’s in his hand an’ he’s squeezin’ off rapid-fire, an’ not only is he fast he’s accurate, hittin’ those thugs in their gun hands.

“But now the rest o’ the place has come to on what’s happenin’, ‘cept the catfolk’s gone empty, see? No bother to him. He’s got this hat, this wide-brimmed green number with some outrageous yellow feather in it, an’ he spins it off his head on the hat rack by the door—you know the one—an’ turns an’ uncorks this flyin’ kick to that troll, Razi, the one what does muscle work sometimes for the syndicate? An’ there’s this crunch an’ big Razi just drops like a felled tree. Now the cat is all over the place, punchin’ kickin’ an’ head-buttin’ an’ leavin’ bodies sprawled all over the place. An’ nobody can match this furry fury, an’ finally I see my opening!

“There’s only a few fellas left standin’ by now even though maybe a minute’s passed since he came through the door, an’ I pick up my dagger an’ fling it at him while his back’s turned. An’ gettaloadathis, he reaches out without lookin’ and grabs my dagger outta midair. With one hand, he’s punchin’ the teeth outta one of them duergar that mess around town, and with the other he takes that dagger an’ wings it back at me, hilt first, an’ it catches me right in the eye! Next thing I know he’s right on top ‘o me an’ he uncorks this punch to the jaw that drops me. Imagine bein’ hit with somethin’ incredibly hard, but also soft from his fur, like a velvet brick.

“When I come to, the catfolk was gone, an’ everyone else in the bar had been laid low.”

The man behind the bar looked at the speaker, his eyes narrowing.

“I was just trying to be polite. … And I think you’ve had enough.”

“Big Game”

“Big Game”

Author’s note: I wrote this as part of my Flash Fiction Challenge

The hunter strode through the forest, a cloud of breath wisping from his mouth. His shadow stretched to his right under the unflinching light of the full moon, darting between the dormant and leafless trees.

What had brought him to such a bleak place?

Redemption.

“I assure you, sir, I am no stranger to the pursuit of dangerous prey, as my news coverage would attest,” he said three days prior on the edge of northern wilderness. “The White Rhino of Kampuchea? The man-eating Kodiak bear? Their skins hang in my den. Or the 93 buffalo kills to my name. There is no game too fearsome, too dangerous for me to conquer…”

“And yet, you need a guide,” the Indian continued to rock back and forth in his seat. Frankly, it was unsettling.

“Yes. You see, I am unfamiliar with this region. If one of your trackers might help me find the beast’s path…”

“The prey you seek is no beast. Nor is it man. It is wendigo. Forever hungry, forever hunting. Wendigo feels no fear or pain. You will find no tracker here to join you, hunter.”

And so Edmond ventured forth himself. He had never taken human life, but with every mishap since leaving that hunting lodge, he had pondered at each whether it would have been better to put a bullet into that old Indian. Had some savage curse been placed upon him? It rained for the first day solid. What gear survived the drenching, he had awoken the next day to find shredded into the tiniest of pieces. And now, after a sleepless night on frozen ground, Edmond found himself irrevocably lost in this skeletal landscape.

Edmond Shillingford, renowned hunter of big game, here to slay the mythical wendigo. That would scuttle the accusations of drugging his prey, claims that scuttled his clientele as a safari guide and cost him patronage in both New York and London. If only they knew the full truth…

The tainted bullets he fired into the white rhino, who wandered pain-blind for four days before he finally died.

The Kodiak had never eaten a man and was, in fact, female. Coaxed from her den when Edmond dealt one of her cubs a mortal wound with his knife, then tethered it so she could hear its cries.

And yes, those were group hunts for the buffalo, but Edmond always had been an excellent shot.

A noise drew Edmond out of his reverie. Nails, scrabbling on stone. The hunter whirled to his right… nothing. He squinted. There, in the moonlight. Edmond stepped forward and then saw it—a single, splayed footprint in the earth, a curved talon at the end of each toe.

An ear-splitting howl cut through the darkness, creating a knot of fear in his belly. Edmond spun in the direction of the howl and fired blind, the echoes of the shot rolling through the forest. Disoriented, Edmond never realized the wendigo was upon him until a single slash of a talon severed both Achilles tendons. As Edmond fell, another stabbing strike had warm blood spilling out on the rocky ground.

Another howl, now from much closer. Belly down, Edmond felt an incredible sharpness penetrate his jacket, his clothes, into his flesh. He began to scream.

His skin would hang in a den as well.

Flash Fiction Challenge

Flash Fiction Challenge

I’ve wanted to write fiction for as long as I can remember, and other things seem to get in the way. No longer. That’s why for the entire month of June I’m offering a Flash Fiction Challenge…

-Send me a prompt (also a genre if you want) and $20

-I will write you a 500 word short story.

You’ll receive the final product in a PDF. Each of these stories will be written and signed by me, but will be yours to keep and enjoy.

WHAT WILL I WRITE ABOUT?

Just about anything. The options are limitless. Maybe it’s a story you’ve always wanted to read, or you want to try and stump me with a difficult prompt. Bring it.

WHAT WON’T I WRITE ABOUT?

Since money is changing hands, I won’t be doing anything with copyrighted material or characters, such as fan fiction.

Payment options

Paypal: johnmoorehouse@gmail.com

Venmo: john-moorehouse-2

Cashapp: $JMoorehouse

Imperial Pro April 22 Preview

Imperial Pro April 22 Preview

Every spring, approximately 1.5 million Peeps get eaten.

Tomorrow night, in Bristol, it’s payback time. At least, that’s the inspiration for the show name for the next Imperial Pro Wrestling event, “Attack of the Peeps”. It happens Saturday, April 23, as Imperial Pro returns to its “home” venue, the community center of Realife Church, located at 1317 Weaver Pike in Bristol, TN.

Front row tickets are sold out, but general admission tickets remain available for $12 apiece. Kids 12 and under get in free.

Here is the current announced lineup:

Axton Ray defends the Imperial Championship against Hunter Drake. Axton is a local favorite who just returned from his first tour of the United Kingdom.

Kenzie Paige Henry defends the Imperial Women’s Title against Alice Crowley. Kenzie recently announced she had signed a contract with the National Wrestling Alliance.

Greg Rocker defends the Hickory Tree Hardcore Title against CJ Knight, Big Al and Toby Farley.

Jason Kincaid vs. AJ Cazana

Judi-Rae Hendrix vs. Michelle Green

The Golden Egg Battle Royal

Follow Imperial Pro on your social media platform of choice: Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

365 Wrestling, Day 29: Serial Thrillaz vs. Hardy Boyz (OMEGA, 1/29/99)

365 Wrestling, Day 29: Serial Thrillaz vs. Hardy Boyz (OMEGA, 1/29/99)

365 match reviews, one for each date on the yearly calendar? Challenge accepted. Welcome to 365 Wrestling.

How many wrestlers who step through the ropes today grew up watching Matt and Jeff Hardy? They rank as one of the most beloved duos in the history of tag team wrestling. While each has spent some time on the Dark Side as an individual (Matt more than Jeff), the Hardys as a team were consistently fan favorites … but not always. In this installment of 365 Wrestling, the Hardys take to the ring as heels, in this match from OMEGA (the promotion the Hardys helped start themselves) on January 29, 1999 against Shane Helms and Mike Maverick.

This match is available in two parts on YouTube, and embedded below:

The Match

You know three of the players in this match. ECW diehards may recognize Maverick as Jack Dupp.

For all the details on this match, I went straight to the source: Thomas Simpson, one of the co-founders of the OMEGA promotion, and someone I did commentary for on some independent shows in South Carolina a few years ago. The Hardys had been OMEGA champs for about six months, winning the titles off of Helms and Venom (aka Joey Abs from the Mean Street Posse in the heyday of the WWF Attitude Era). Simpson noted Venom was substituting in that match for Maverick, who had broken his arm when he fell off a roof while working a construction job.

This match takes place at East Wake High School in Wendell, NC, also the alma mater of Helms and Maverick. The challengers are out first and greeted as conquering heroes. Meanwhile, the Hardys already are a known presence on WWF TV but they get booed mightily. Matt stirs them up even more, stating that he and his brother will be “winning on Sunday Night Heat” after beating Helms and Maverick.

This match is filmed on a handheld camera and, once it’s under way, you can hear someone in the crowd say, “They’ve gotta win the belts or the crowd’s gonna riot.” That’s a good summary of the raucous atmosphere for this match. The crowd at East Wake High helps elevate what’s happening in the ring — and the match itself already is quite good.

Maverick and Helms work with a big man/little man dynamic that I’ve always enjoyed in tag teams, and they do it well. Twice, Maverick flings his partner into the air to do damage to their foes: a gorilla press that turns into a splash for a close two count, or launching him out of the ring to land on both Hardys. Such power already has been established through some early interactions with Jeff: delivering a brutal-looking spear and then catching him in midair to disrupt the Hardys’ now-well-known Poetry In Motion double team.

Helms plays a spectacular face in peril and is the engine that keeps this match going. He spends more time in the ring than anyone else, and the fans bite on every bit of offense he musters up. When he gets cut off, it just builds the anticipation. Helms continues to sell but never completely fades, showing enough fight to keep the already-rabid crowd engaged.

Jeff Hardy is in splendid form here. This is 1999 and well before many of the catastrophic landings and injuries that Jeff has accumulated through the years, so he is still at his physical peak. At one point, Jeff busts out a springboard swanton off the top rope, chains it directly into a quebrada and makes it all look effortless. In front of a different crowd, it might have earned a golf clap of appreciation or even outright applause. Here, Jeff culminates the high-flying combination by hugging his brother, only further enraging the crowd.

As the match progresses, Matt ensnares Helms in a sleeper and many of the fans start clapping and stomping, to the point that the camera filming literally starts to shake. We’re 15 minutes into the match at this point and it feels half as long — if that.

There is creativity on display here. These four twist the standard tag formula, first during their control of Helms. Then Helms makes the “hot tag” to Maverick, who promptly gets cut off. A ref bump leads to a visual pin by the Hardys, not the fan favorites, as is usually the case. When a replacement referee finally scurries to the ring and makes a count that ends in a long two, Matt responds as a true heel would: first by powerbombing referee #2, then hooking Helms by the arms while Jeff brings a chair into the ring.

By now, you can see what’s coming from a mile away, and so does the crowd, but that doesn’t make it any less satisfying. Helms moves, Jeff pulverizes his brother and gets knocked to the outside. Helms and Maverick both scale the nearest corner, with Helms leaping off of his partner’s shoulders with a splash to score the win and take the titles to the delight of the packed crowd.

Final Rating: 8.7

These four combine to create a love letter to Southern tag wrestling with a modern adaptation through the moves used. The crowd is red-hot throughout and shows no signs of tiring out or losing interest. The end result is fantastic, and a must-watch, especially if you’re a Hardys fan.

Here’s the complete, ongoing list of matches in this project.

Up Next

We take a look at another wrestler who embodies excellence over the long haul.

Follow In Moorehouse Wrestling on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram!

365 Wrestling, Day 28: John Cena vs. Umaga, Last Man Standing (WWE Royal Rumble, 1/28/07)

365 Wrestling, Day 28: John Cena vs. Umaga, Last Man Standing (WWE Royal Rumble, 1/28/07)

365 match reviews, one for each date on the yearly calendar? Challenge accepted. Welcome to 365 Wrestling.

The Royal Rumble match is a spectacle that wrestling fans anticipate every January. The event itself has produced some gems on the undercard in recent years. This entry spotlights one of those standouts, from the 2007 Rumble: John Cena vs. Umaga in a Last Man Standing Match.

You can watch this match on the WWE Vault YouTube channel:

The Match

This is Cena’s third, and longest, reign with the WWE Title. Umaga has been built as a juggernaut since returning to WWE in April of 2006. He went undefeated for about nine months, a streak that ended earlier in January when he challenged Cena for the title and lost on a roll-up after dominating the match. After that outcome, heel authority figure Jonathan Coachman (and hasn’t that become an overdone storyline trope in wrestling?) made this rematch.

Cena might be the box-office draw but the star of the match is Umaga. The anything-goes format provides a fine showcase for his athleticism, size and overall fearsome presence. He’s also a credible threat here after several months of steady build as a force. Would this match have so much sizzle if Umaga had been trading wins and losses, instead? Definitely not.

Umaga is such a force here. The tale here is less a battle of two competitors, but one between man and monster. Cena takes a beating throughout and when he does rally, it usually ends with him getting clobbered by the Samoan Bulldozer. Overwhelmed by his foe, Cena has to escalate the violence beyond the normal standards of a wrestling match to even faze the challenger. As a result, Umaga takes some insane bumps down the stretch: getting the ringside steps thrown into his face, and having one of the commentary monitors smashed into his head while Umaga’s head hangs, seemingly lifeless against the ringpost. And yet, like the killer in a slasher movie, Umaga rises again and again.

As the violence builds, Cena pays the consequence and bleeds profusely. In fact this stands out as the last memorable use of blood in WWE until the promotion makes its PG pivot. To this day, WWE continues to avoid blood as a storytelling device, while chastising would-be competitors for it.

One moment in this match sticks with me, which I can describe best as a stunt. With this being the era of three brands of main WWE TV (ECW being the third), there are three commentary tables at ringside. Umaga stacks Cena on the ECW table, climbs on the far edge of the far table (where Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are calling the match) and gets a running start. He leaps off the middle table for a splash that Cena avoids, and the table does not so much break but explode under Umaga’s mass. The challenger barely beats the 10 count in a delightfully close and completely believable false finish.

We reach the climax when Umaga’s manager, Armando Alejandro Estrada, literally dismantles the ring and removes the top rope and one of the turnbuckles. Umaga wields the turnbuckle for a version of his Samoan Spike, but Cena turns the weapon on the wielder and uses the top rope to throttle the challenger into unconsciousness. The fact it takes two separate stranglings to finish the job only underscores the unstoppable atmosphere of Umaga.

Speaking of the commentators, Ross is in his prime here and I can’t think of anyone better to provide the soundtrack for this match, in this era. His “Oh Jiminy God!” when Cena smashes a monitor into Umaga’s head, is a genuine reaction and his line that “even monsters have to breathe” at the finish provides logic and justification for Cena’s brutal tactics.

Final Rating: 9.2

This is one of the best WWE matches of the decade, and maybe the best modern example of the last man standing stipulation. It’s also a perfect example of Cena as the never-surrender fan favorite, and who was, at his peak, the closest approximation to Hulkamania that WWE has produced. It’s also the peak moment in WWE for Umaga, whose fantastic second run with the company as a singles competitor is somewhat overshadowed by its brevity. Consider that, 2 1/2 years after this match, Umaga was released by WWE after two violations of the company wellness policy. He sadly died a few months later, at just 36 years old, of a heart attack brought on by acute toxicity from taking several painkillers.

Other pro wrestlers usually point to the Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit match from the 2003 Rumble as the best non-Rumble match ever. If Angle-Benoit is the wrestling equivalent of a symphony, this is the equivalent of a blockbuster action movie. Is one better than the other? That’s really in the eye of the beholder, as the two products are so different that it’s difficult to compare them outside of the shared setting of a WWE ring.

Up Next

We head to 1999 and a packed high-school gym in the Carolinas to see one of the most beloved tag teams in wrestling… as heels?

What’s your favorite non-Rumble match from Royal Rumble pay-per-views? Agree or disagree with my take on this match? Let me know by using the contact form on this site, or reach me on Twitter.

365 Wrestling, Day 25: Osirian Portal vs. The Colony (CHIKARA, 1/26/09)

365 Wrestling, Day 25: Osirian Portal vs. The Colony (CHIKARA, 1/26/09)

365 match reviews, one for each date on the yearly calendar? Challenge accepted. Welcome to 365 Wrestling.

For all the people who have talked about how pro wrestling is influenced by comic books, I bring you CHIKARA Pro. In its 18 years of existence, this promotion based out of Pennsylvania provided something new in American wrestling: a roster full of colorful characters — many of them masked — and an in-ring style influenced heavily by lucha libre with some dollops of Japanese wrestling mixed in as well.

There was a time, in the late 2000s and early 2010s, that CHIKARA was one of the hottest promotions in all of independent wrestling. Today’s selection, a tag match between the Osirian Portal and The Colony from January 25, 2009, is part of that stretch in time. Many of CHIKARA’s core roster members were trained there and have gone on to stardom in the wrestling world. The list of in-house alumni includes Orange Cassidy, Drew Gulak, Eddie Kingston, Lince Dorado. Chris Hero and Cesaro were mainstays for years, as were names like El Generico, Kevin Steen (now Owens) … the list could go on for a while.

CHIKARA closed down in the summer of 2020, after multiple allegations were made against the promotion and individuals who worked there as part of the #SpeakingOut movement. In the wake of those allegations, Ophidian — one of the four wrestlers in today’s match — announced his retirement from wrestling.

You can watch this match on IWTV.

The Match

CHIKARA’s tag titles, Los Campeonatos de Parejas, are on the line here. These championships were the top prize for years; CHIKARA didn’t even introduce a main singles title until the end of 2011. Los Campeonatos title matches usually were two out of three falls and did not come easy. A team had to have three points to challenge, which meant winning three matches or falls in a row. Lose once, and it was back to zero.

The challengers here are part of The Colony: a stable of masked wrestlers who portrayed characters that were part of an ant colony. Such a concept would be Wrestlecrap-worthy for most promotions but, in he often wacky world of CHIKARA, it worked. Fire Ant and Soldier Ant have assembled a whopping seven points as contenders — the most of any team in promotion history at the time. Due to their high point total, the Colony got the chance to choose the match stipulations and decided the match would be decided in a single fall.

Speaking of wild gimmicks, the champions — Amasis and Ophidian — have Ancient Egyptian influences, with Amasis the “funky pharaoh” and Ophidian acting like a serpent. You might have seen a video of some of their antics that went viral in 2011:

With a standard one-fall format instead of two out of three, there’s a greater sense of urgency. The match is not perfect and takes a few minutes to hit its stride. The CHIKARA style is also, admittedly, not for everyone. Some people can’t get past the gimmicks, some heavily choreographed segments and the liberal amount of comedy in many of the matches. Here, for example, the Portal go for the hypnosis trick in the video linked above, only to have Soldier Ant use his “military discipline” to resist, salute and grab Ophidian so that Fire Ant delivers a splash across the serpent.

Even if CHIKARA is not your taste, there is plenty to like in this match. Fire Ant busts out some nice high-flying moves. I particularly enjoyed when Soldier Ant has Amasis secured in a rear waistlock, with Amasis grabbing the ropes. Fire Ant walks up his partner’s back, leaps off the shoulders of Amasis and down on to Ophidian at ringside. Old-school tag fans, and wrestlers who work tag matches, should pay attention to the portion of the match where the Portal isolate Soldier Ant. They do a fine job cutting the ring in half, and finding non-traditional ways to cut off Soldier Ant and make tags.

Tag matches in CHIKARA are fought under lucha rules but even those guidelines become theoretical down the stretch with all four men frequently in the ring at once. Amidst all the complicated sequences and flying, a rugged lariat by Amasis stands out. There’s a spectacular near-fall where the champions hit 450 splashes in stereo. Speaking of great false finishes, another comes when Fire Ant drills Ophidian with a Beach Break, and on the ensuing pin attempt, Ophidian’s foot barely reaches the bottom rope in a peak example of placement and positioning.

The mach culminates with its biggest spot. Fire Ant sets Ophidian on the top turnbuckle, but before he can execute, Ophidian counters with a Destroyer off the top. This is sold as it should be as a killer, and Ophidian finishes it via Cobra Clutch with a bodyscissors.

Final Rating: 6.3

CHIKARA had some amazingly devoted fans and also plenty of detractors. If you’ve never watched this promotion or the comedy antics turn you off, I still suggest giving this a watch. Shenanigans aside, it is a very good tag match.

Up Next

We spotlight one of the bright stars of the 1980s who left us too soon.

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